it's been awhile eh

So summer has come and gone and I got really busy and didn't take time to blog obviously. But here i am back again still alive. I traveled alot since the last post from camp to camp with a week or so in between. Took a trip out west to visit my family from camp and kaleo. and then found myself back in the flat lands. here I am in the midst of school and working at joe's place which has and is amazing. I don't really know what else to say so I will end with the thought that God is good.

Faith

Hello again it's been awhile, or at least it seems like it has been.
I have been challenged for awhile about what a life of "Faith" really looks like? I have come to the conclusion that I have faith...but it's not where it should be. If you know me or have read this blog before you know that I claim to be a follower of Christ. But upon closer inspections I have fooled myself into thinking and making myself out to be something I am not. Really I am just another traveler on this journey of life that is bound for hell. I am a self made man to some extent. I don't deserve the life I have. I have not earned it. I am to young to have built it for myself. The only reason that i stand where i am today is because of God and the morsel of a crumb of faith that i have in God.
I have been looking through random scripture verses lately and feeling more and more that I have no Faith that God will provide for all my needs. And why should he I am not really living for him I am trying but trying is not good enough. That's like saying I am hungery and thursty making a sandwich and pouring a glass of milk and not consuming them. I am trying to fix my hunger and thurst by appearing to do the right things but not taking it in.
I am still young I have lots of time but now is the time to start. Maybe that means living to feed others and risk going hungery. Or giving till i have no more to give.
my thoughts that this year is the year to begin practicing what I have been told and thought of doing for so long. I need to bite the sandwich and begin to use the gifts and faith that I have found in Christ. I may become poor, I may become starving, I may find myself in place i wouldn't have dreamed of going or living. But it's time. I don't know what my life will look like or how much it will change. I will still finish my degree because i am not going to waste what i have started. It might just take longer to pay it all back but that's ok right?
God is truely in control.

risk of life.

Recently I have been thinking about what it means to live as a follower of Christ, and how risky that can be. It seems that we in our church's and some ministry's are more concerned about our own health and safety then we are about speaking truth into the lives of those that live around us. part of it for me is my own fear of my reputation and the idea that "a rescuer needs to take care of them selves first before they can help those in danger" I am starting to realize that these are both lame excuses.
Should I not be more worried about the representation of Christ in my life, rather then my own rep?
Where is my faith in Christ to keep me safe, instead I spend more time keeping an arms length from those that really need help?
questions fill my mind what if I was to take the passages in the bible that talk about God's provision and apply them in a little more literal fashion?
Can a truly trust God to protect me against sickness and provide food and clothing?
should i take the risk of being seen in a pub? or talking along with a member of the oppisite sex?
In the world of ministry and insurance these can become red flags.
But if an accusation arose against me and I was found guilty even though the evidence was false testomony could I turn to God and ask why? Then turn and take the opprotunity to minister to who ever or where ever i go?

I am not saying that we should all live on the edge all the time taking risk that could endanger our stable lives or even our lives in general. But when there comes a time when we need to take that risk do we take it? I have always been told that if unsure best not to do it take the safer route. but the question then is IF I TAKE THE RISK. can i trust in God to be there and catch me or guide me in the next stage of my walk with him?

Of course I should only take the risk and have faith that God will be there if it is benefiting what Christ has called us to in the bible. If it is against that then I think we are deserving of what ever punishment or consequences follow.

these are just some thoughts that have been stewing in my mind. bassically the question is how much faith do i truly have? and I am i using the little faith that i have?

life's funny some times

So that last post was deffenatly done out of anger and frustration thankfully God is regaining control over my emotions and I hope that it will remain that way.

This summer has been and will continue to be a wild ride. For a provience that is so flat and straight it's hard to see what is coming up next until bam it hits you right in the face.

that's about all i can say right now i have a sweet job working with youth and learning to share life with them. I have amazing friends that are pushing me to be a better person with out even knowing it. And most important i have an amazing God that is leading and guiding me every step of the journey. Thanks Lord.

Thanks for the knife.

Why is it that I always lose my best friend to a girl?

Why is it that I am always the odd one out?

Must I always be the one standing in the shadows waiting for someone to notice me?

Put the knife in my back and twist i don't care.

Your all the same you say you want the nice guys that will love you and treat you right. It's all lies.

I don't care if you don't like me but don't use me to get to my friends.

You know I am the nice one that will just roll over like a dog and let you walk all over me.

What's the point in fighting for what's right when what you think is right only please your emotions.

If you leave me out to dry don't expect me to stay around I have people that know me and care for me. people I call family your all nothing but strangers to me.

I know i sound selfish.

It's all about me right... No but at least have the decency to take my feelings into consideration.

I thought we were all on the same page looking for some platonic relationships among friends

I guess i was wrong hormones and emotions win again.

I am the spoils no need to sweep me up I will decay with time and you won't remember me.

All I want is people to care for and that care about me.

I give and I give till there is nothing left I feel like a bone that has been picked clean

My only source of hope and love is in God.

God I trust in you and that your hand is over this situation I pray that if anyone is getting hurt that it is only me. Because you have made me strong let me see your lesson in this show my your goodness. All I ask is for a couple of good friends that are platonic that I can let loose around and won't be offended by smart remarks. Let me focus on you and not be distracted by others I am ours and no one else.

Summer begins... transitions ... long days... short night.

Summer begins - and where am I? I am in Moose jaw in a basement apartment with a friend Eddie. It is going to be a crazy summer I am planning on trying to start blogging my thoughts and life again this summer.

Transitions - I have lots to do still finish internship papers, finish a DL and saying good bye to some amazing friends unsure of when we will see one another again. Moving into a new place, trying to start a new job (at a youth center), Finding a church and finding people that will keep me accountable and grounded this summer.

Long days- so much to do and with no school or having to work in the morning that means long days/ late nights. Hanging out and finishing up work that needs to be done.

Short nights-sleeping is something I like to do but only when I am tired which sometimes is not often. getting tired know but should do something productive.

This is the beginning of something great I just wish I knew what it was.

Pain

What is pain?
Is it something that we feel with the nerves in our skin.
What about the deep hurt that we feel in our hearts?
Is it the tears that when we cry?
Is it the blood that we bleed?
Maybe is the the flowing of grief that is moving through out the world and each one of us.

What is the cause of all the pain?
Is it personal?
Is it something that if I am feeling you must feel as well?
or at least feel sorry for me.

Is there such thing as healing?
Is there relief is there hope?
Can I heal with out more pain?

I have heard people say embrace the hurt, in the end it will all be better.
But others ask is there an end to the pain?

I know there is but how much pain can one endure before it is over?

In Hebrews 12 the apostal Paul reminds us that we must strip off all the sin that weighs us down. this could and probably does included the pain that we are carrying. then Paul says "we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion and who initiates and perfects our faith, because of the joy awaiting him endured the cross, disregarding it's shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor besides God's throne."
This is the ultimate expression of love and hope when God in the form of a man called Jesus Christ puts himself through the most painful death knowing to man. Raising again defeating death and raising to be at the right hand of the throne of his father (and himself). That is the hope that we can live in. When we choose to turn and look at Jesus and follow the commends that he has placed before us. Longing to be obedient and doing his will. we are found to be alive.

This may not make any sense to those who read it but I pray that it will at least cause you to consider who Jesus is and what he did for you and me.

The pain endured has greater then any cost.

More then just hands and feet.

God has been opening my eyes to see the big picture of ministry. So often we confuse ministry with having to go and serve somebody a meal. Or to go to another country to do the will of God. But maybe this is not the case but rather some are called to those places and ministries. but they cannot do anything with out number one God and number two the support from the community of faith that we call the church, our family, our brothers and sisters in Christ. simply put I want to thank all the ministries and missionary's for their wilingness to go lead both here and a broad and to say to those that are unable to or not called lets be the arms and legs, shoulders, elbows, etc... that are giving support in prayer and fincailly and all the other ways that you do what you do. so that the hands and feet can reach out love and support others. It's really hard to hug some one with no arms and hard to stand beside them with no legs.

the new year and all that it promises

Well it's been a while since i typed on this thing the last post was because i couldn't sleep and I am at that point again.

Tonight me head is flooding with thoughts of the new year. plans and hopes that I have mostly about losing weight and getting in better shape working harder and trying to be more diciplined in my prayer and devtional life as well as life in gerneral.

this last year I seemed to have spent more time busying my self with lots of service and taking little time to make sure that i was in check. I don't want to become selfish in the new year making all the time for me but rather want to make sure that I am physically capable of giving as much as i can to others. in order to do that i am being told by God that i need to work on my inner being my soul and connection with God so that the works that i do find their glory being giving to God instead of my ego.

there are a lot of things that i hope to happen this year I really would love to share lots of my life with others and hopefully find a righteous women to share parts of my life with. With that I am content to being single the rest of my life filling my disire to share my life with many people this summer I was pretty much in a relationship with Joe's place as a whole meaning that If I wasn't working at the smoothie bar or trying to take time to myself I was hanging out with someone and/ or many poeple staff and youth from joes place.

but know iam about to hit 22 I have been waiting forthis year with anticipation I don't know what will happen but i got a feeling it will be life changing for me. so this year is a year of excitement. but also loads of stress. I need to start figureing life out do i return for full time education? or do part time? if i do part time what does that look like for finances? I need to get God back in the center focus and meet with him in the calm eye of the storm of life.

I know newyears is just anouther day and like everyday we should be tryingto improve our selfs but a new number on a year is a freash start. will i keep these resolutions? maybe if i make them every day until it is routine and i get sick of them or something breaks the rotine and I can't get back into it.

this is were i am at I need you Lord to break back into my life with avengence. gab me by the thourgh and choke me into submission so that i might serve you take care of others learn to love all men and disern and have wisdom on what to call poeple on. I willing to grow and become more aggisive if needed but afraid to lose the kindness that I have in my heart for all men. wait that probably isn't my kindness must be jesus in me while then that shouldn't change right?
let me strip off the old self and gain wings that I might fly and show God off more and more.